They Should … (WT766)

They Should … (WT766)

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by Shirley Dalton | 28 Feb, 2025 | Blog, Communication Skills

WT 766 They should

This week I was teaching the concept of Values Collisions, from Thomas Gordon’s Leader Effectiveness Training.

I thought I’d share it with you too.

A values collision is a conflict in which the values of two parties clash, but there is no tangible effect.

There are many many opportunities for Values Collisions in the workplace and at home.

For example, say you vape and I don’t.

Unless I’m in the room with you, you vaping doesn’t affect me.

When it comes to values, we won’t generally change our values just because someone says we should.

For example, if I was to say, “Vaping is really harmful to your body and you should stop”, it would most likely be met with resistance.

So how do we identify Values Collisions and more importantly what can we do to resolve them?

It’s easy to identify them.

If you hear yourself say, “They Should” or “They shouldn’t”, it’s an indication of a judgement and if it is a judgement, first look to see if there really is a tangible effect on you, if not, it’s a Values Collision.

In order to deal with the Values Collision, you can choose from 9 options, however they all come with varying degrees of risk to the relationship.

Here are the 9, from highest risk to lowest risk:

  1. Power (using your power to make the other person change)
  2. False Acceptance (pretending you accept their value)
  3. Problem Solving the behaviour associated with the value (e.g. not vaping when I am around)
  4. Consulting (sharing information and leaving the decision to change with the other)
  5. Disclosing and listening (truly listening for understanding of the other’s value)
  6. Preventative Teaching (explaining policies at induction)
  7. Modelling (walking your talk)
  8. Changing Self (to align with the other’s value)
  9. True Acceptance (of the other’s value)

Your choice of option may depend on the value, the other person or the situation.

Remember, if you find yourself judging, it’s a good litmus test for a potential Values Collision.

If so, ask yourself:

  1. What is my value?
  2. Where did it come from?
  3. Why do I want to keep it?

And if all else fails, revert to the Serenity poem.

P.S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thought delivered directly to their inbox.

Go to https://shirleydalton.com/Weekly-Thoughts.

Why Save It? (WT765)

Why Save It? (WT765)

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by Shirley Dalton | 21 Feb, 2025 | Blog, Mindset

WT 765 Why save it

What do you do when you receive a gift?

Do you save it or spend it or start using it straight away?

Ross and I have different strategies.

Ross is a saver.

I’m a spender/user.

For example, if we receive money for birthdays or Christmas or chocolates for Easter, I’ve spent, used or eaten mine within a week.

Ross still has his weeks and sometimes months later, (which I usually manage to share – Hahaha!)

It was the same when we both attended Weight Watchers years ago.

We had discretionary points to use over the week and mine were usually consumed within the first couple of days and Ross still had his at the end of the week.

Why am I asking you this and sharing?

Recently I was coaching one of my fabulous clients. We’ll call her Leanne.

Leanne is like Ross. She’s a saver.

She saves her coaching sessions until she feels she “really needs it”.

This week she came with a topic that she expected would take the full time to discuss and resolve.

To her surprise and delight, she resolved the issue within 10 minutes.

“I can’t tell you what a weight has lifted from my shoulders”, she said. “I feel so much lighter. I’ve been carrying that stress and anxiety and feeling of responsibility around with me for months.”

“Yes”, I replied. “You can be a bit tardy in using your coaching sessions.”

“I wished I’d addressed this months ago. I could have been so much more productive”, she continued.

To my point: Why Save It?

If you have an issue or a challenge, it’s much better to address it earlier than later.

In this instance Leanne was able to use the remaining time to resolve another issue.

By addressing issues and challenges as they occur, you can save yourself months of stress, anxiety, anger or resentment or any other negative feelings you may experience.

In relation to a coaching session (or other areas of your life), Why Save It?

P.S.  Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thought delivered directly to their inbox.

Go to https://shirleydalton.com/Weekly-Thoughts.

The Truth About Loyalty (WT764)

The Truth About Loyalty (WT764)

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by Shirley Dalton | 14 Feb, 2025 | Blog, Leadership

WT 764 Loyalty

I’m ever surprised at where the inspiration for the Weekly Thoughts come from.

This week Ross and I were watching a series called “Shantaram” on Apple TV. It was based on the book by the same name and means “Man of Peace”.

There was a scene where two very powerful women were testing each other out with their words.

Asking about a man that one of the women was close to, the other asked, “Are you in love with him?”

To which, she replied, “No, but I am loyal to him.”

“Ah,” replied the questioner.

“There are only 3 reasons why people are loyal:

  1. They are in love
  2. They are afraid
  3. They feel obligated, so, if you are not in love, then you must be afraid or obligated?”

Dictionary.com defines Loyalty as, “the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations. faithful adherence to a sovereign, government, leader, cause, etc.”

I don’t know about you, but I’ve not thought about this before and the exchange got me thinking.

Many of my clients view loyalty as a very important trait in employees.

In fact, we can measure a person’s loyalty with the Integrity and Values profile that I use for recruitment and/or coaching purposes.

The description for someone who is loyal according to Integrity and Values is, “Committed to the organisation; prepared to put personal needs or goals to one side; does what is required of them – not just what they want to do or what will be good for their career.”

According to Integrity and Values research, Loyalty is one of the 5 most important values both employers and employees want to see in the workplace.

It goes both ways. Employers want loyal employees and employees want leaders who are loyal to them and “have their backs”.

Based on this little exchange in the TV show, I’m now looking more deeply at the concept of loyalty because it would distress me to think that employees, in particular, say they are loyal and yet are really afraid.

What do you think?

Is this something worth discussing with your team?

What is your definition of loyalty and is it an important trait for you?

P.S.  Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thought delivered directly to their inbox.

Go to https://shirleydalton.com/Weekly-Thoughts.

In Perfect Time (WT763)

In Perfect Time (WT763)

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by Shirley Dalton | 7 Feb, 2025 | Blog, Mindset

WT 763 In perfect time

Do you get yourself in a tizzy when things don’t go according to plan?

Are you a bit of a control freak; wanting things to be done the way you want them done, when you want them done?

I used to be like that.

I’ve mellowed over the years. I’ve come to realise and accept that things happen In Perfect Time.

Last week our air conditioner stopped working.

We called a few people. One person had a look at it and said, “That’s a warranty job. I can fix it, but it will cost you thousands because I am not an authorised warranty repairer.”

He told us who to contact, which proved challenging because we couldn’t speak to a person. Ross spent 90 minutes typing via a Chat Bot.

The Chat Bot would pass on the particulars.

Ross asked for the next steps and when these would happen, to which the Chat Box replied, “We’ll let you know.”

A week passed.

The temperature and humidity increased.

We were getting testy.

Ross followed up again with the Chat Bot.

Success! He was given a case number and the name and contact details of the authorised repairer – a real person.

To cut a long story short, the repairer came to inspect. “Yes, it’s a warranty issue. I’ve ordered the parts but don’t hold your breath. They are taking a lot longer than you might expect to get the parts.”

Not exactly the news we wanted to hear.

I sighed, smiled and thanked him.

I’ve learned that everything happens In Perfect Time.

If I get upset, it’s only me who is suffering.  Being anxious, angry or stressed only puts me in the Primal State (sympathetic nervous system) and in this state I cannot be resourceful.

It will get fixed when it gets fixed.

There is nothing I can do about it at the moment.

If you find yourself in a situation that isn’t going how you want, please consider surrendering. You’ll feel a lot better, and the irony is, that when you feel better, you’re more in tune with universal energy and as a result, things often start going your way a lot quicker.

Everything happens In Perfect Time.

P.S.  Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thought delivered directly to their inbox.

Go to https://shirleydalton.com/Weekly-Thoughts.

You’ll Get Used To It (WT762)

You’ll Get Used To It (WT762)

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by Shirley Dalton | 31 Jan, 2025 | Blog, Mindset

WT 762 You'll get used to it

It’s a sad fact that a lot of people do not like change, even though most of the time, change can be positive.

This week, I’m going to share my understanding of how the brain works and how we can hack the system to speed up learning and change habits.

First, a disclaimer. I am not a neuroscientist, so my understanding may not be 100% textbook correct.

This week I bought a new computer and 2 new monitors and what feels like a very large keyboard.

For the past 6 years I’ve been working with a HP laptop.

I bought the new computer and monitors to make it easier to present my webinars and group coaching.

Anyway, I struggled to find the keys on the keyboard. It’s not what I’m used to. I’m a touch typist, having learnt to type on typewriters when I was 14, so I know where the keys are, but the format is different.

I asked myself, “How can I speed up the process of learning and getting used to my new equipment?”

I remembered some training around this from Benjamin J. Harvey at Authentic Education.

According to Harvey, “Your habitual behaviours are nothing other than actualised neural networks. If you want to change your habits you must first seek to change the way your neurons are wired together. Think of it like a series of roads inside your mind. If you want to end up in a different location you must take different roads to get there.”

The weakest points in the roads are where one habit finishes and another starts. This is important to know because it’s at this junction that we can insert a new habit or behaviour.

When we practise or repeat actions over and over, cells called “Oligodendrocytes” start to wrap axons with myelin. The myelin sheath insulates the axon so the electrical impulses can travel faster with less effort (wiring the brain).

Here’s an example. Say you want to start adding “sit ups” to your morning routine. Your current routine includes:

  • waking
  • going to the bathroom
  • cleaning your teeth, and
  • making a coffee.

You’d like to do your sit ups after you clean your teeth, before you make your coffee.

The way to activate your oligodendrocytes to start adding myelin to the new neural pathway is to practise adding the sit up after you put your toothbrush away (the end of cleaning your teeth habit).

Now, here’s the interesting point. You DON’T have to wait for the next morning to get started.  

The hack to the system is to practise over and over in one to three sessions to master the new habit or learning. This is known as “Deliberate Practice”.

In your practise session, you’re going to practise putting the toothbrush away, then practise doing ONE sit up, then practise walking to the kitchen and pretend to make your coffee.

Rinse and repeat. Do it again and again and again.  

Continue practising these three things over and over and over for about 20-30 minutes or more. This rapidly increases the myelination of the axon, which effectively rewires your brain, so when morning comes, guess what you want to do after you’ve put your toothbrush away.

This is an amazing hack for creating new habits.

I’ve been sitting at my new computer and practising using the keyboard. I’ve been getting used to it.

Harvey says, “Practise makes myelin, and myelin makes perfect”.

Your mission this week is to set aside some time to practise your new habit.

Let me know how you go.

P.S.  Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thought delivered directly to their inbox.

Go to https://shirleydalton.com/Weekly-Thoughts.

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