I Don’t Always Want A Hamburger (WT725)

I Don’t Always Want A Hamburger (WT725)

Blog

WT 725 I don't always want a Hamburger

Are there things you want to do that you talk yourself out of?

This was the case for David last week.

As we talked he shared that he wanted to become a business coach.

He had experience, results and big achievements in Sales, Systems and Strategy.

He’d worked in the real estate industry and manufacturing.

“What’s stopping you?” I asked.

“Well, I can’t really go into the real estate industry”, he replied.

“How come?”

“There are so many other coaches in that industry already” he said, as he began to list half a dozen names.

I knew the people he was referring to and even added a few more names.

“And they’re not all the same”, I said.

“No”, he agreed. “Some you either love or hate but there’s no room for me.”

“That sounds like a limiting belief”, I offered.

“Yes, but….” He replied.

I remembered the story of Kirsty or Kristy. I can’t remember her name or all the details but what I do remember is that she was a real estate agent in Darwin who moved to Tasmania and absolutely blitzed the industry.

She had had the same thoughts initially.  That there were already too many agents, so how could she be successful and yet she was.  In fact, she became so successful by doing things her way that she ended up teaching others.

So what has this got to do with hamburgers?

As I explained to David, “I don’t always want a hamburger”.

He looked at me quizzically.

“Do you sometimes get takeaway food?” I asked.

“Yes”, still puzzled.

“Do you always get the same thing or do you mix it up? For example, McDonalds, Pizza Hut, Fish and Chips, Mexican, Middle Eastern Kebabs, Chinese, Indian?”

“I mix it up”, he said.

“Exactly! You don’t always want a hamburger”, I said.

“All those examples are choices of convenience foods.”

“All the coaches in the real estate industry that you mentioned are choices.”

“Principals and agents don’t always want hamburgers.”

There is plenty of room for everyone.

He is based in New Zealand.

All those coaches can’t serve everyone and everyone doesn’t want the same thing.

I encouraged him to go for what he truly wants and to let go of the things he is telling himself that are stopping him from getting what he wants.

The same goes for you.

Listen to the silly excuses you are telling yourself that are stopping you from going for what you want.

Remember, we don’t always want a hamburger.

People want choice.

Put yourself out there and give them the choice.

P. S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

I’m A Persecutor (WT724)

I’m A Persecutor (WT724)

Blog

WT 724 I'm a persecutor

In our leadership experiences we look at what Jennifer Elliot called “The Eternal Triangle of Hate”.

You might know this as “The Drama Triangle” or “Triangle of Drama”.

It gets referred to a lot in personal development circles.

The triangle includes three roles:

  1. The Victim
  2. The Rescuer, and
  3. The Persecutor.

The victim’s belief is “I’m not ok. You’re ok. I need someone to come and save me. I’m broken.”

The Rescuer believes “I’m ok. You’re ok, as long as you do what I say.”

The Persecutor believes “I’m ok. You’re not ok. You can’t do it right.”

At a surface level, persecutors are often seen as bullies.

Rescuers, also known as co-conspirators feel good when they help or save victims.

This week I gained a huge insight from Benjamin J. Harvey, co-founder of Authentic Education regarding persecutors.

Persecutors criticise and judge. They are argumentative and have to be right. They aren’t necessarily bullies in the traditional sense, but they are hard to work with.  No-one can do it as good as them.

Ben also explained that those of us who are passionate about personal development can get caught up in our own drama triangle – feeling the victim, coaching ourselves then persecuting ourselves for not being perfect.

As I listened to Ben’s explanations, I could feel my head getting redder and redder. “OMG!”, I thought. “I’m a persecutor.”

I can be quite argumentative. I criticise. I judge and I expect a very high standard of work.

I’m not proud to admit that Jennifer Elliot once told me that I was so critical, it was hard to be around me.”

Ouch!

Whilst I was uncomfortable to hear the feedback at the time (many years ago), I also appreciated it. How I was showing up was not how I wanted to show up.  It gave me the opportunity to reflect and change.

This week was another reminder that I’m not perfect. I constantly work on myself to be better.

As one of my clients often says, “When I know better, I can do better.”

So, how about you?

Do you favour one of the roles in the triangle?

Is it serving you?

Perhaps it’s about time you acknowledged how you show up and decide to do it differently.

And so I don’t leave you hanging, rather than being a persecutor, you can focus on listening to others and provide constructive feedback.

Instead of being a rescuer, you can become a facilitator to help empower others.

And instead of being a victim, it might be time to start taking responsibility for yourself, your actions and your results.

I accept this might be confronting, however without self-reflection or feedback from others, it’s difficult to change and improve.

Personal development is one of my greatest passions.

Let me know which role you identify with and what changes you can make.

P. S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

Hold The Space (WT723)

Hold The Space (WT723)

Blog

WT 723 Hold the space

The past few months I have been retraining and refreshing with the Gordon Training International for Leader Effectiveness Training.

One of the trainers, Judith Richardson, from the Effectiveness Training Institute Australia (ETIA) made a point that I think is worth sharing.

We were discussing Values Collisions.

Judith said, “It is such a profound leadership skill to be able to hold the space for a team member or other person when you have a different set of values to that person”.

This resonated with me completely.

If you think back for a minute, when was the last time you had a different value or belief to someone and instead of arguing with that person to prove you’re right, you actually put your value aside for a moment and truly listened to them?

This is such a skill to master.

It takes patience and an open mindset as well as requires you to demonstrate your active listening skills.

Remember active listening means you demonstrate that you heard and understood the message, NOT that you necessarily agree with it.

Another point that was mentioned was that if you’re listening and you hear words such as “they should or they shouldn’t”, it’s a big clue that we’re talking about values.

When I think of the words “should” or “shouldn’t”, they are like commands and often it feels like they are coming from an external source.   It could be an authority figure such as a parent or teacher etc.

The words take away choice and often imply compliance, not necessarily that you want or choose to do something.

For this reason, it’s important to notice your own language and instead of saying “I should”, consider whether you are actually choosing to do the thing or not.  If not, think about whether you could assert yourself and say “No”.

If you do want to do the thing, then be aware that you are choosing to do it.  This is more empowering.

So back to holding the space for others. Why do it?

Because when you do, you’ll get to know others better. You’ll develop better relationships with people and you might find that you can actually see their point of view and may just change your own opinion.

This happened to me when we completed a role play around the topic, “Should people be made to attend in-service training if they don’t want to?”

My initial stance was “No” because I’ve experienced times when people have attended my training experiences and haven’t wanted to be there and ended up being quite disruptive to the other participants and myself.

As I held the space for my partner in the role play, she explained that sometimes the people who need it the most are the people who resist the most plus a good facilitator can often help them to see the benefit of learning and make a difference.

As I listened, I started to agree. I too have had this experience when people have been made to attend and at the end of the experience have commented how great it was and how it was the best thing they could have done.

So, your mission this week is to hold the space.

Practise your leadership skills.

Even if you initially disagree with the other’s point of view, use your skills, have an open mind and see what happens.

Let me know.

P. S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

It’s Not Hard To Live In Peace (WT722)

It’s Not Hard To Live In Peace (WT722)

Blog

WT 722 It's Not Hard To Live In Peace

With everything that’s going on in the world at the moment, we could copy The Animals’ Playbook.

Ross and I just spent a few weeks in South Africa.

We were fortunate to be able to resit The Silva Mind Control Course at Cradle Moon.

Cradle Moon is a game park.

There are no predatory animals, however the animals that are there are wild and roam free.

In fact, one young boy was reminded, in no uncertain terms, that animals come first, when he tried to shoe away the zebras who came to drink from the pool.

As we sat in the conference room we could see the zebras marching around, stopping to graze and then moving on. Totally at peace and not in any hurry.

Sharing the park where we were staying were zebras, giraffes, wildebeest, monkeys, blesboks, springboks, impalas and a huge monitor lizard.

We also saw rhinos with babies and ostrich when we went further into the park on a game drive as well as the animals mentioned above.

According to Kruger National Park, “Most of Africa’s herbivores can be classified as either grazers of grass or browsers of leaves off trees. Some animals, like the elephant and impala, do both – depending on the availability of food.”

Which brings me to my point, it’s not hard to live in peace.

Sitting on the patio, waiting for the sun to set, we were in awe of the peaceful parade of animals as they grazed together.

They weren’t fighting for food, although we did see a bit of infighting for the attention of the females.

Because there were no predators in the park, i.e. no lions, cheetahs, leopards or hyenas, the grazing animals were safe.

They lived together harmoniously.

The giraffes ate the leaves from bushes with very big spikes. The monkeys ate what was available to them, including pinching toothpaste and sugar (cheeky monkeys). The impalas, blesboks, springboks and zebras ate the grass.

As species, they weren’t fighting for territory. They shared the territory.

I couldn’t help but wonder why we can’t do the same.

I would love to see a world where humans live together in peace.

Where we accept the differences and allow those that are different to us to live the way they want to live.

There is no right or wrong or judgement from the animals. They just mind their own business and carry on.

What do you think?

Do you think we could take a leaf out of their book (pardon the pun) and start to live in peace?

P. S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

Keep Your Records Up-To-Date (WT721)

Keep Your Records Up-To-Date (WT721)

Blog

WT 721 Keep your records up to date

If you’ve ever done any advertising on Facebook, you might have heard the term “look alike audience”.

A look alike audience is an audience that Facebook creates for you based on an audience you already have.

I’ve been learning how to do Facebook advertising. It sounds easy and I so appreciate the work Kellie Obrien used to do for me because I’ve found it challenging.

One of my biggest challenges though wasn’t writing the copy or selecting audience interests. My biggest challenge was my lack of organised record keeping.

For someone who is a systems consultant and trainer, it’s embarrassing to admit that.

The thing that held me up with Facebook was the fact that I couldn’t easily export a list from my database.

It took me a few days to get the information together, wasting valuable time and resources, not to mention time to advertise the upcoming online courses for Leadership Fundamentals and The Loyal Lieutenant.

It was a great wake-up call to get my own systems in order.

It’s a bit like the plumber with the leaky taps at home or the carpenter with a million repair jobs to fix around his house.

Putting systems in place is critical to save time.

There’s an acronym for the word SYSTEMS which I think sums it up:

Save

Your

Self

Time

Energy

Money and

Stress.

Don’t get caught out like I did with an out-of-date database.

Keep your records up-to-date.

Create and implement systems.

I can tell you from experience, it’s costly if you don’t.

P. S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

Do The Next Task (WT720)

Do The Next Task (WT720)

Blog

WT 720 Do the next task

I just love working with my clients.

I learn so much.

This week I want to share something I learned from Bob.

Bob is a leader who loves to share his wisdom and experience with his team and luckily for us, with me too.

Many years ago, Bob trained for the ironman competitions. His mentor at the time told him that if he missed a training session not to worry about it.

“It’s counter productive to try and catch it up, so the best thing is to move on to the next days training and do that well”, he said.

Bob adapted his training to his work.

He mentors his team and reminds them, that if they get behind in their schedule for any reason, not to go back to the unfinished task with a negative or tired mindset, but to move to the next task with a fresh mindset and energy.

If there is time, you can go back and catch up the task or continue tomorrow.

Unexpected things always happen at work and at home so whilst it’s good to have structure and a plan for your day, if you find yourself off course, keep going.

Do the next task.

Get your mind and energy back on the job.

It’s the quickest way to work effectively and efficiently.

Thank you Bob.

P. S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

Pin It on Pinterest