Have you ever found yourself responding to a suggestion with “I can’t do that because …?”

It’s such a powerful phrase that stops us from moving forward.

One of my fabulous coaching clients, (we’ll call him Doug) had this incredible insight as we were discussing some potential actions he could take to grow his business.

As I reflected back the suggestions he gave, his internal response was “I can’t do that because …”

He was aware enough to mention it, so we had a juicy topic to coach around.

“Hmm,” he pondered.

“You know, this is something I do a lot.”

“I hold myself back by looking for reasons NOT to do something and then I validate myself and let myself off the hook.”

Doug isn’t alone in this department.

Most of us do this to some extent.

I do it with the gym.

“I can’t go today because I have to catch up on client work. I can’t go today because I have a meeting in town at 9:00am.”

Excuse after excuse after excuse.

So what can we do about it once we become aware of it?

Look to see the benefit or reward we are seeking from avoiding taking the action.

There is always a benefit to our behaviour.

Once we become aware of the benefit we are seeking, we can then look for ways that we can get that benefit by doing the things we say we want to do.

It’s a process of rewiring your brain.

Here’s an example: “I can’t go to the gym today because I’m running the leadership experience all day.” This is a valid reason not to go.  Or is it?

If I really wanted to go to the gym, I could get up earlier or go after the leadership experience finishes.

I don’t really enjoy the gym. I find it boring doing the same things and I get frustrated when others are using the equipment I want.

Going to the gym is not aligned with my values but yoga is.

I love doing yoga at home. I am in my own little world. I am not concerned about others and I can change up the poses from day to day.

If the goal is to move the body, I’m better off doing something that is aligned with my values and that gives me the benefit or reward I am seeking.

How about you?

Are there things you’re procrastinating on?

If so, perhaps take a look at your values and see if what you’re procrastinating about is aligned.

I’ll wager it’s not.

When we’re in alignment with our values, we do the work. We take the action, even if we don’t particularly like it because it’s a means to an end.

This week, take stock of the excuses you are making up, and if you find yourself saying, “I can’t do that because …” then ask yourself, what is the benefit I am getting by not doing the thing? How can I find a way to give myself the benefit and take the action I need to take?

 

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Sometimes we just need someone to hold our hand.

Ross and I were walking down the stairs to the beach at Dixon Park.

The stairs were wet and slippery.

A young toddler was doing her best to navigate holding onto the railing, which was too high for her to comfortably reach, all whilst holding onto her bucket and spade and step down the stairs all by herself.

Her mum was on the sand with all the things mum’s need to take to the beach, along with baby number two in her arms.

The toddler had made it most of the way down, however the last part was especially wet and sandy and the distress was starting to show – on both the toddler and mum.

Without thinking, I offered my hand and said, “Would you like a hand to hold onto?”

Surprised at first, and with mum walking back to the bottom of the steps, she held my hand and the railing and proceeded to navigate the bottom 5 stairs.

We took our time.

First step. “Yay! Well done.”

Second step. “Awesome, keep going.”

Third step. “You’ve got this.”

Fourth step. “Almost there.”

Fifth step. “Hooray. You did it. Well done.”

And with that, I let go of her hand as she reunited with mum and Ross and I headed off down the beach.

Sometimes we just need a steadying hand and some encouragement to help us do what we know we must and what we can.

How about you?

Are you one to offer a hand of support?

Will you accept the hand when it’s offered?

Or, are you willing to hold yours out when you need one?

There’s no shame in offering or accepting a hand when you need it.

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Ross and I were going to the dentist. He was driving.

I got into the passenger side, or rather fell into the passenger side.

“Whoa! Who’s been sitting in this seat?” I asked.

The seat had been lowered to the floor, pushed all the way back and the back of the seat had been lowered to almost lying down.

“Hmmm. I remember someone moving it”, replied Ross as I attempted to get it back to our normal position.

“I know”, he said. “It was the guy at the car service place. He got in to show me how to fix some of the buttons and gadgets that had moved since we had the last service. I don’t know why he had to move everything. He was a nice guy and a tall guy but he was a guest in the car and as a guest, you shouldn’t move things without asking.”

This comment about whether he should or shouldn’t have moved things, “as a guest” got me thinking about values and how we all have different values and ways of doing things.

The same topic came up later in the day when I was with a coaching client. We’ll call him Mark.

Mark mentioned since completing one of our leadership experiences, that he was much more tolerant of others’ values and ways of doing things.

I think this is something that most of us deal with on a daily basis. Many of us want things done our way and we get frustrated and angry when people don’t follow the rules (our rules).

In fact, in her book, “You Can Heal Your Life”, Louise Hay cites research by Virginia Satir that showed that “there are more than 250 different ways to wash dishes, depending upon who is washing and the ingredients used.”

Louise Hay goes on to say,“If we are stuck in believing there is only ‘one way,’ or ‘one viewpoint,’ then we are shutting out most of life.”

This poses a couple of tricky questions:

1. Is it okay for your team to do the work how they want to do it or must they follow the process?
2. If they must follow the process and they don’t, do you just fix it or do you point it out to them and make them feel inferior or guilty or do you look to the system to see if it’s a system problem that could be fixed or is it a people problem?
3. If it’s a people problem, is it because they are unable or unwilling and if unable, give them more training.

If you fix it, you are robbing them of the opportunity to learn or worse, you could be teaching what we call “Learned Helplessness”, where people learn to become helpless. For example, say your kids pack the dishwasher and it’s not the way you do it, if you repack it and they see that you have done that, you are encouraging them not to do it again and could be affecting their confidence and feelings of self worth.

What we value and how this differs to others can be a touchy subject. When it comes down to it, the most important question to ask is “how important is this in the scheme of things?”. If it’s not a high priority or very important. Let it go.

Value their values.

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