I’m A Persecutor (WT724)

I’m A Persecutor (WT724)

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by Shirley Dalton | 10 May, 2024 | Blog, Leadership

WT 724 I'm a persecutor

In our leadership experiences we look at what Jennifer Elliot called “The Eternal Triangle of Hate”.

You might know this as “The Drama Triangle” or “Triangle of Drama”.

It gets referred to a lot in personal development circles.

The triangle includes three roles:

  1. The Victim
  2. The Rescuer, and
  3. The Persecutor.

The victim’s belief is “I’m not ok. You’re ok. I need someone to come and save me. I’m broken.”

The Rescuer believes “I’m ok. You’re ok, as long as you do what I say.”

The Persecutor believes “I’m ok. You’re not ok. You can’t do it right.”

At a surface level, persecutors are often seen as bullies.

Rescuers, also known as co-conspirators feel good when they help or save victims.

This week I gained a huge insight from Benjamin J. Harvey, co-founder of Authentic Education regarding persecutors.

Persecutors criticise and judge. They are argumentative and have to be right. They aren’t necessarily bullies in the traditional sense, but they are hard to work with.  No-one can do it as good as them.

Ben also explained that those of us who are passionate about personal development can get caught up in our own drama triangle – feeling the victim, coaching ourselves then persecuting ourselves for not being perfect.

As I listened to Ben’s explanations, I could feel my head getting redder and redder. “OMG!”, I thought. “I’m a persecutor.”

I can be quite argumentative. I criticise. I judge and I expect a very high standard of work.

I’m not proud to admit that Jennifer Elliot once told me that I was so critical, it was hard to be around me.”

Ouch!

Whilst I was uncomfortable to hear the feedback at the time (many years ago), I also appreciated it. How I was showing up was not how I wanted to show up.  It gave me the opportunity to reflect and change.

This week was another reminder that I’m not perfect. I constantly work on myself to be better.

As one of my clients often says, “When I know better, I can do better.”

So, how about you?

Do you favour one of the roles in the triangle?

Is it serving you?

Perhaps it’s about time you acknowledged how you show up and decide to do it differently.

And so I don’t leave you hanging, rather than being a persecutor, you can focus on listening to others and provide constructive feedback.

Instead of being a rescuer, you can become a facilitator to help empower others.

And instead of being a victim, it might be time to start taking responsibility for yourself, your actions and your results.

I accept this might be confronting, however without self-reflection or feedback from others, it’s difficult to change and improve.

Personal development is one of my greatest passions.

Let me know which role you identify with and what changes you can make.

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Hold The Space (WT723)

Hold The Space (WT723)

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by Shirley Dalton | 3 May, 2024 | Blog, Leadership

WT 723 Hold the space

The past few months I have been retraining and refreshing with the Gordon Training International for Leader Effectiveness Training.

One of the trainers, Judith Richardson, from the Effectiveness Training Institute Australia (ETIA) made a point that I think is worth sharing.

We were discussing Values Collisions.

Judith said, “It is such a profound leadership skill to be able to hold the space for a team member or other person when you have a different set of values to that person”.

This resonated with me completely.

If you think back for a minute, when was the last time you had a different value or belief to someone and instead of arguing with that person to prove you’re right, you actually put your value aside for a moment and truly listened to them?

This is such a skill to master.

It takes patience and an open mindset as well as requires you to demonstrate your active listening skills.

Remember active listening means you demonstrate that you heard and understood the message, NOT that you necessarily agree with it.

Another point that was mentioned was that if you’re listening and you hear words such as “they should or they shouldn’t”, it’s a big clue that we’re talking about values.

When I think of the words “should” or “shouldn’t”, they are like commands and often it feels like they are coming from an external source.   It could be an authority figure such as a parent or teacher etc.

The words take away choice and often imply compliance, not necessarily that you want or choose to do something.

For this reason, it’s important to notice your own language and instead of saying “I should”, consider whether you are actually choosing to do the thing or not.  If not, think about whether you could assert yourself and say “No”.

If you do want to do the thing, then be aware that you are choosing to do it.  This is more empowering.

So back to holding the space for others. Why do it?

Because when you do, you’ll get to know others better. You’ll develop better relationships with people and you might find that you can actually see their point of view and may just change your own opinion.

This happened to me when we completed a role play around the topic, “Should people be made to attend in-service training if they don’t want to?”

My initial stance was “No” because I’ve experienced times when people have attended my training experiences and haven’t wanted to be there and ended up being quite disruptive to the other participants and myself.

As I held the space for my partner in the role play, she explained that sometimes the people who need it the most are the people who resist the most plus a good facilitator can often help them to see the benefit of learning and make a difference.

As I listened, I started to agree. I too have had this experience when people have been made to attend and at the end of the experience have commented how great it was and how it was the best thing they could have done.

So, your mission this week is to hold the space.

Practise your leadership skills.

Even if you initially disagree with the other’s point of view, use your skills, have an open mind and see what happens.

Let me know.

P. S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

Leaders Are Problem Solvers (WT718)

Leaders Are Problem Solvers (WT718)

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by Shirley Dalton | 29 Mar, 2024 | Blog, Leadership

WT 718 Leaders are Problem Solvers

I’ve got a question for you.

Do you think being a leader is innate or a learned skill?

I had an interesting discussion recently with a new client on this very topic.

He confidently told me that being a leader is innate. You are born with it.

I could feel my eyebrows lift.

He expanded on his reasons why this was so.

During his career, he had often been promoted to leadership and management roles.

He had had no formal training and had performed well.

“Well, I think we’re going to disagree on this”, I said.

“I teach leadership skills.”

“Oh”, he replied.

“If you think about what you told me about how you were promoted, much of it was because you solved problems. You didn’t wait to be asked. You just got in and did it.”

He agreed.

Leaders are problem solvers.

And I agree, some people do this naturally, but that doesn’t mean that people can’t learn to become leaders or improve their leadership skills.

It comes back to The 4 Stages of Learning. We don’t know what we don’t know (Consciously Incompetent).

If you’ve never had the opportunity to solve problems or you didn’t know that that was one of the criteria for leadership, how could you demonstrate leadership skills?

Once you do become of aware of it, you can now start solving problems.

No-one is fighting you for the leadership role.

We all want leaders.

We want people to take charge; to make us feel safe; to take responsibility; to hold us accountable.

In our Leadership experiences, we have a particular activity that demonstrates this very well. During this activity the group of individuals become a team.

Someone steps up as leader and often it’s the person who doesn’t see themselves as a natural leader. It’s the person who has little confidence in their ability to lead.

As we debrief the activity, they are genuinely surprised (and a bit proud) of what they achieved. This one activity helps them transform their identity to accept that they are indeed, a leader.

Leaders behave differently to followers.

Leaders can learn communication skills. How to say things so that they land well for the listener.

Leaders can learn to understand their people better.

Would you consider yourself to be a leader?

Are you a problem solver?

If you’d like to know more, check out some of the skills that are included in our Leadership Fundamentals experience. Conduct a little audit for yourself. Click here to find out.

If you celebrate Easter, I wish you a very happy Easter. If not, happy holidays.

P. S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

P.P.S. Our next LIVE online Leadership Fundamentals experience starts Tuesday 14th May, 2024. Click here for more information. Early Bird promotion where you pay for Silver and receive Gold finishes on Sunday 14th April, 2024 so be quick.

Another Year – It’s a Wrap (WT705)

Another Year – It’s a Wrap (WT705)

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by Shirley Dalton | 29 Dec, 2023 | Blog, Leadership, Mindset

WT 705 Another Year - It's a Wrap

Well, here we are again at the end of another year.

As we look back over the year, I encourage you to focus on the good and positive and be grateful for all that 2023 brought you.

Even the things that were not to your preference.

As David Bayer says, “Life is always working for us, even if at times, it is not to our preference”.

When I think about this mantra, I’m reminded that the Universe or God or Infinite Intelligence (whatever name you prefer) is working tirelessly to bring us what we want. 

From our perspective here on earth, we can’t see all the moving parts that have to be organised in order for us to get what we want.

In fact, just a couple of weeks ago, I sternly reminded Mary (not her real name) to “shut up and let the universe do its job”.

Mary is a great student who actions the feedback. She’s not one to blame or argue, rather she acknowledges her role in co-creating what happens in her life and within a few weeks she rang me to tell me all her good news and how the Universe had delivered.

Remember, our job is to know the what and the why and take inspired action. Our job is not to know the how.

We simply can’t know all the moving parts, let alone control them, so as Esther Hicks says, “Hand it over to the General Manager”.

If you’re up for another great read along these lines and looking to increase your prosperity in 2024, then I highly recommend “The Four Spiritual Laws of Prosperity” by Edwene Gaines or even better, it’s a great listen on Audible or other similar program.

As you close 2023 and look to 2024, invest some time to write down what you want for 2024 and then close your eyes and imagine receiving what you want. As you close your eyes, feel what you’ll feel when you have it. Hear what you’ll hear when you have it as well as see it.

The quickest way to bring what you want is to feel as if you already have it (because you do) and be grateful for the gift that’s on its way.

Let me know what’s on your bucket list and let’s cross them off at the end of 2024.

As an example, Ross and I have booked a trip to South Africa in April 2024. So far I’ve registered for a 4 day course and booked the airfare.  I can’t wait to see how the Universe delivers an amazing trip for us as we cross off our bucket list item to visit a game park and see the animals up close.

Thanks so much for being part of my community this year. I look forward to continuing the journey with you in 2024.

Happy new year!

P. S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

P.P.S.  START 2024 BY DEVELOPING YOURSELF AND GROWING

BRAND NEW 10 Week online Leadership Fundamentals experience starts Tuesday 16th January 2024. Sessions are LIVE and led by myself. There’s absolutely no reason why you can’t find 90 minutes a week to improve yourself and your leadership skills.  You don’t have to be in a formal leadership position at work. These skills are life skills.  If you’re interested, contact me and let me know and we’ll organise a time to chat. Be part of another great team and get the results you want.

The Magic (WT702)

The Magic (WT702)

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by Shirley Dalton | 8 Dec, 2023 | Blog, Leadership, Mindset

WT 702 The Magic

Right now, I wish I had an affiliate link to Amazon or Audible.

I’m recommending you get “The Magic” by Rhonda Byrne.

The book had been sitting in my library for quite some time and I hadn’t gotten around to reading it, until it was recommended by one of my mentors in an online group.

Magically, the group turned into a team, aptly named “Team Magic” and we agreed to work through the book together.

It truly was a magical experience.

Having an online group provided support, encouragement, motivation and accountability.

Each day we would post an image or message showing the task completed for that day.

Yesterday I completed the book and the tasks and I have to say, my mindset and results did magically change.

So, apart from the book recommendation, today’s thought is also about the power of teamwork.

Our virtual team included people in all different states in Australia and also overseas. Being online meant that we could post at any time that was convenient and team members could respond whenever it suited them.

Without the team, I may not have been totally committed.  In fact, I insisted Ross do the activities as well so whilst he wasn’t posting in the What’s App group, he too completed the book.

Magical outcomes occurred. Ross had advertised a motorbike for sale and whilst there had been some initial interest, as soon as the magic kicked in he sold the bike – easily and effortlessly.

There’s a saying, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

Working with a team takes you farther. For many of us, we will do the things we might not feel like doing because we don’t want to let the team down. Of course, this benefits us because we get the thing done.

Working with a team also enables you to learn different things because we all have different perceptions and different values. What you miss, someone else might pick up and share, so you now have double the knowledge.

When you’re learning something new, being part of a team also enables you to practise in a safe environment.

I’ve been so impressed with the experience, I even encouraged one of my clients to start and offered to be her accountability partner.

Why? Because I know, if you do the work, you’ll get the results. If you have an accountability partner, you’ll do the work when you don’t feel like it. If you have an accountability partner you can support each other when needed.

My wish for you is that you find a team to help you achieve what you want to achieve.  It can be for a specific timeframe such as days, weeks or months.  I’ve also been a member of teams that have been meeting for over 10 years.

What is it that you want to achieve? What results do you want?

Are you getting them by yourself and if not, how about inviting others to be part of your team.

Now’s the time to step up and become the leader. Remember, if you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

P. S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

I Still Want You To Do It (WT700)

I Still Want You To Do It (WT700)

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by Shirley Dalton | 24 Nov, 2023 | Blog, Leadership, Mindset

WT 700 I still want you to do it

In our Mastermind meeting this week, one of the participants was talking about her experience interviewing potential financial planners to help her. We’ll call her Robyn.

Robyn’s looking at selling her business in a few years and wants to know the best strategy and timing to maximise her return on her investment and minimise the tax to pay.

She shared with me that she had met with three different planners and still could not decide which one to work with.

What we discovered was that they had failed to demonstrate to her that they knew what they were doing and that they could help her.

Robyn expressed that they may not want to tell her the strategy etc. until she has signed up because:

  1. That’s how they make their money
  2. They may think she will get the information and do it herself.

“I don’t want to do it”, she said.  “But I do want to know they can do it.”

This is where case studies and testimonials can be very helpful.

Your potential clients are looking for confidence. They want to know that you have helped others in a similar situation so therefore you might be able to help them.

A picture came into my mind as were talking.

It’d be like interviewing a cleaner to clean your house or office. They can tell you how they’re going to clean, what chemicals they’re going to use, how often they’ll clean certain areas etc. and even though they may have told you the “how”, it doesn’t mean you want to do it.   Giving you their strategy and technique gives you the confidence that they know what they’re doing so you can engage them.

It’s a similar thing with the financial planners.  Robyn doesn’t want the knowledge to be able to go and do it herself. She wants the confidence that they know what they are doing. She wants to feel comfortable that they can advise her on the best strategy and that they have the technical expertise to help her.

Sometimes, as service providers, we can get caught up thinking we can’t share what we know in case others will take the knowledge and use it and therefore not engage us.  This is scarcity thinking. For the most part, your prospective clients don’t want to do the work, they want to engage you, so give them a good reason to.

Give them confidence you can help them. Share what you know that will be most helpful to them and provide examples of how you have helped others in the same situation.

As one of my other clients says, “selling is a transference of confidence”. He or she who has the most confidence gets the business.

Might be time to take a look at your offer and how you present it.

Are you instilling confidence in your prospective clients?

Are you demonstrating to them that you have the knowledge, skills and expertise to help them?

P.S. Our next Leading Yourself and Leading Others Experience and Loyal Lieutenant Masterclass Series will both start in February 2024. Early bird discounts apply, so keep an eye out for more information to come.

P.P.S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

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