You Put Too Much Water In (WT785)

You Put Too Much Water In (WT785)

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by Shirley Dalton | 11 Jul, 2025 | Blog, Communication Skills

WT 785 You put too much water in it

This week wasn’t one of my best weeks.

Feeling a slight twinge in my back last Thursday night, by Friday morning I could barely move.

My remedy is to strap a hot water bottle to my back, do lots of tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique), be grateful for everything and go into my mental healing lab and heal myself.

It took a few days and today I am 80% there.

Now the reason for the context is actually to remind us all to use our communication skills in order to enjoy harmonious relationships.

Ross was filling my water bottle for me and instead of using an “I Message” to assertively and kindly let him know, “I prefer less water please”, what did I do?

I used a “You Message” and ungratefully blurted out, “You put too much water in it”.

As soon as the words came out of my mouth and I noticed the look of hurt and upset on his face, I knew I had forgotten to use my skills.

As soon as I could, I apologised, and this is a public apology as well.

There are a couple of lessons here:

  1. When you mess up, take responsibility and clean up your mess.
  2. If you care about the relationship, use your skills, and
  3. Understand that when you do not appreciate what others do for you, they are less likely to want to continue doing for you.

It is such a simple concept, speak from “I” rather than “You”. We call these “I Messages” and there are 5 different types. 

“You Messages” on the other hand can be interpreted as:

  1. Put Downs
  2. Accusations
  3. Threats
  4. Ultimatums, and
  5. Blame.

None of which will help you to enjoy harmonious relationships with people who want to help and support you.

Your mission this week is to use “I Messages” when expressing yourself and to notice when you use a “You Message” and clean it up straight away.

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There’s A Better Way To Say It (WT775)

There’s A Better Way To Say It (WT775)

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by Shirley Dalton | 2 May, 2025 | Blog, Communication Skills

WT 775 There is a better way to say it

You know that one of my passions is communication.

I’ve spent decades studying communication and am an accredited instructor for Thomas Gordon’s Leader Effectiveness Training and overall Effectiveness Training, both of which place a heavy emphasis on developing communication skills.

So this week I cringed when a colleague shared with me, her dismay at receiving some feedback.

These days I’m also cautious about using the word “feedback” because for most of us, it means something negative is coming or a criticism of some sort.

Anyhoo, we’ll call her Jasmine.

In a public forum, one of Jasmine’s colleagues pointed out that a diagram Jasmine had created was not perfectly symmetrical.

“The diagram doesn’t line up”, said the colleague.

“Ouch”, felt Jasmine.

“Even if it was slightly off, couldn’t she have said it in a more tactful or polite way, especially in front of others?” asked Jasmine.

“Yes, I believe she could”, I replied.

“How would you have given the feedback?” she asked.

I would have come from offering a point for improvement rather than blatantly saying it was wrong.

For example, something like, “I’m wondering if the lines could be moved a little closer together so they are all the same distance from each other?”

The second version comes from an attitude of curiosity and desire to help improve.

The first version lands as being direct, harsh and superior.

When you’re providing feedback to your work colleagues or even at home with your family, please consider how your comments will land with the other.

Your intention might be to help improve, however your words may have the exact opposite effect.

Your colleagues may feel embarrassed and hurt and could feel like you are pointing out their errors on purpose, which will do little for your relationship.

Now I know there are some of you “Driver” type personalities who are direct and don’t like using “fluffy” words, however, before you leap to debate the issue, ask yourself this question, “Do I care about the relationship?”  If the answer is “Yes”, (for whatever reason), then please, use your skills.

Take the time to find a better way to say it.

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He’s Not Getting The Job (WT768)

He’s Not Getting The Job (WT768)

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by Shirley Dalton | 14 Mar, 2025 | Blog, Business, Communication Skills

WT 768 He's not getting the job

Recently we had some storm damage, nothing like Cyclone Alfred up north, but enough to have to get the bay windows resealed and fixed.

We used Hipages to request quotes from qualified tradespeople.

One man called straight away on the Friday. We’ll call him Jack. Jack quoted $850 to come and do the work the next day, (Saturday) which was forecast to be raining.

We were a little surprised that:

  1. He quoted without looking at the job
  2. He could get there the next day.

What thoughts would you have about a tradesperson who isn’t booked out weeks or months in advance?

Anyway, Ross told him another person was coming to look at the job on Monday and that he would let him know.

Jack called again on the Saturday to see if he could come and do the job.

Ross reminded him that he had organised another quote for Monday.

Jack called again Monday morning.

He either didn’t hear or didn’t listen.

When Ross told me about Jack, I responded with, “Well he’s not getting the job.”

Jack might have been a good tradesperson.

Jack’s quote might have been fair and reasonable. It was actually half of what we ended up paying.

Jack didn’t get the job because he didn’t listen.

Ross also had a similar experience with another supplier.

Frustrated at the end of a phone call, he said, “I still haven’t finished a sentence”.

Listening is different to hearing.

You use your ears to hear. You use all of you to listen and best of all, your relationships will improve out of sight if you learn to Actively Listen.

Active Listening is a skill and a skill I wish everyone would learn.

When you Active Listen to others you are demonstrating that you heard and understood what they said. This means you repeat back to them what you think they said.
It doesn’t mean you are agreeing with what they say.

When people know that you heard and understood them they can move on and share more with you. They also trust that you did in fact hear them, listen to them and take in what they were telling you.

Your mission this week is to check yourself.

Are you behaving like Jack or the other supplier and not letting your clients, colleagues or family members finish their sentences?

Are you waiting to speak rather than listening?

Are you talking over them?

I sincerely hope not, because you may find that you too are frustrating others and therefore don’t get the job.

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They Should … (WT766)

They Should … (WT766)

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by Shirley Dalton | 28 Feb, 2025 | Blog, Communication Skills

WT 766 They should

This week I was teaching the concept of Values Collisions, from Thomas Gordon’s Leader Effectiveness Training.

I thought I’d share it with you too.

A values collision is a conflict in which the values of two parties clash, but there is no tangible effect.

There are many many opportunities for Values Collisions in the workplace and at home.

For example, say you vape and I don’t.

Unless I’m in the room with you, you vaping doesn’t affect me.

When it comes to values, we won’t generally change our values just because someone says we should.

For example, if I was to say, “Vaping is really harmful to your body and you should stop”, it would most likely be met with resistance.

So how do we identify Values Collisions and more importantly what can we do to resolve them?

It’s easy to identify them.

If you hear yourself say, “They Should” or “They shouldn’t”, it’s an indication of a judgement and if it is a judgement, first look to see if there really is a tangible effect on you, if not, it’s a Values Collision.

In order to deal with the Values Collision, you can choose from 9 options, however they all come with varying degrees of risk to the relationship.

Here are the 9, from highest risk to lowest risk:

  1. Power (using your power to make the other person change)
  2. False Acceptance (pretending you accept their value)
  3. Problem Solving the behaviour associated with the value (e.g. not vaping when I am around)
  4. Consulting (sharing information and leaving the decision to change with the other)
  5. Disclosing and listening (truly listening for understanding of the other’s value)
  6. Preventative Teaching (explaining policies at induction)
  7. Modelling (walking your talk)
  8. Changing Self (to align with the other’s value)
  9. True Acceptance (of the other’s value)

Your choice of option may depend on the value, the other person or the situation.

Remember, if you find yourself judging, it’s a good litmus test for a potential Values Collision.

If so, ask yourself:

  1. What is my value?
  2. Where did it come from?
  3. Why do I want to keep it?

And if all else fails, revert to the Serenity poem.

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Beware The Resting B-Face (WT752)

Beware The Resting B-Face (WT752)

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by Shirley Dalton | 22 Nov, 2024 | Blog, Communication Skills

WT 752 Beware the resting bitch face

Last week I attended a 6 day training course, “Present Like a Pro” with Authentic Education.

It was an amazing course, truly transforming and I can’t wait to put what I learned into action.

One of the interesting topics that came up was to beware the resting B-face.

I’m assuming you know what “B” stands for. Rhymes with “itch”.

The presenter, Benjamin J. Harvey, explained that over the years our facial muscles learn to rest in the same places over time and that there are only 7 universal facial expressions and only one of these is what we might deem “positive” in emotion.

This one is the “happy” one.

The others include:

  1. Angry
  2. Surprise
  3. Sad
  4. Fear
  5. Disgust
  6. Contempt

This was relevant to our training because we were practising presentations and it was a request for audience members to be aware of the resting face they may be giving.

As an example, over the years my facial muscles have learned to frown when I’m listening and processing important information from others.  My face screws up and can look quite menacing.

As a result, I always make a point of explaining this to new clients so they don’t take offence or react to my frown.

As a presenter, I’m always looking for clues of engagement or otherwise from the facial expressions of audience members.

Sometimes there can be what looks like a resting B-face or a face that appears to be sitting in judgement. 

I’ve had to learn not to project my insecurities onto someone’s facial expression.  Remember “automatic listening” by Loretta Malandro.

I’m sharing this with you because I thought it was relevant for you to know when you are either presenting to an audience or sitting in the audience.

If you’re in the audience, please spare a thought for the presenter and put a smile on your face. This will encourage your presenter to relax and give you their best presentation.

If you’re the presenter, do your best not to make up a story based on how someone is looking.

Over to you, are you aware of where your facial muscles tend to land?

If not, ask a colleague or family member. They’ll tell you.

Next time, you’re in the audience, remember to consciously choose your facial expression.

A smile goes a long way.

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It’s Okay to Say “But” (WT751)

It’s Okay to Say “But” (WT751)

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by Shirley Dalton | 15 Nov, 2024 | Blog, Communication Skills

WT 751 It's okay to say but

If you’ve done any training with me, you’ll know that we teach you not to use the word “but” because it negates everything that goes before it.

For example, you wouldn’t say to your staff member, “I really like the work you’re doing, but I’d like you to improve here”. All they will hear is “I’d like you to improve”.

Instead of “but” use “and”.

“I really like the work you’re doing and I’d like you to improve here.”

Now, there is an exception.

The one time that it is okay and encouraged to say “but” is when you’ve just complained about something or you’ve been ungrateful about something.

In this instance, you can correct the complaint, with what Rhonda Byrne, author of “The Secret” and “The Magic” calls the Magic Lifeline.

As soon as you become aware you have been ungrateful or have complained, simply say, “But, I have to say, I’m truly grateful for <fill in the blank>”.

In this instance you are negating the thing that you’ve being complaining about, or that you’re being negative about.

Byrne explains in “The Magic” that gratitude is the magic and provides 28 days of activities to help us enjoy more magic in our lives. I highly recommend you get the book and go through the activities. It’s especially powerful if you do it with a group to keep you accountable.

So, to recap, the one and only time it’s okay to say “but” is when you use it to cancel out a negative comment or complaint.

Give it a go this week.  It’s a good opportunity to notice how much you might be complaining or not showing gratitude.

And with that, thank you for being part of my community and reading the thought each week. It inspires me to keep going.

P.S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thought delivered directly to their inbox.

Go to https://shirleydalton.com/Weekly-Thoughts.

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