Here’s a little story to help us see the difference between perception and intention.
Ross and I go to the gym of a morning.
Ross is generally ready before I am so he backs the car out of the garage and sits there with it idling.
I put my shoes on and close the garage door and get in the car.
For a while now, this behaviour has annoyed me.
Ignoring all my communication skills for effective confrontation, this week I got in the car and said, “It gives me the s…s when you sit there with the car idling. I feel pressured to hurry up and get going and I don’t like it.”
To which Ross replied, “Well, you can …. off. I start the car so it’s nice and warm for you when you get in.”
Ouch.
Here’s a classic example of perception vs intention.
My perception (or Automatic Listening according to Loretta Malandro) had me thinking Ross was getting impatient with me and I was taking too long.
This was not even close to the truth of his intention.
How often does that happen?
We make up a story based on what’s going on for us, that has absolutely nothing to do with what the other person intends.
Next time you find yourself making up a story, don’t rush in with a blurt that is critical and provoking. Take your time to explore the reasons why the other person might be doing what they are doing.
As in this case, they may actually have positive intentions for you.
I guess I can look forward to jumping into a cold car from now on.
Do you know what word usually follows this statement?
“I don’t want to throw you under the bus, BUT” and then comes a negative comment.
It’s as if you know what you’re about to say won’t be well received or appreciated.
It’s a form of inoculation, letting the person know that something bad is following and yet saying it seems to justify the criticism we’re about to give.
And it’s usually in a public setting, otherwise there is no need to say it.
In my book, there is no reason to say it full-stop.
Let’s take a look at two examples and you tell me which one you would prefer to receive.
Imagine we’re in a meeting at work. Your name is Michael. You’ve just shared your point of view which happens to disagree with one of your team mates. The manager says, (in front of everyone):
“I don’t want to throw you under the bus Michael, but when you disagreed with Mary just now, Steven really reacted. Like he was really angry about that and I think you could have controlled your own emotions better.”
“It seems like we have some strong views on this topic. I’d like to hear everyone’s opinion please. I’d like to be able to understand how it affects everyone so we can work together to resolve this issue. Can we agree to use our communication and problem solving skills to work through this please?”
Which one do you prefer?
I’ve recently witnessed this type of interaction on a number of occasions and I cringe when I hear it.
It’s not the leader or team member’s fault if they don’t know any better.
I just wish everyone could be exposed to communication training. For me, it’s an essential part of our leadership training.
There are ways to say things that land better for the receiver.
It’s not that we don’t want to give feedback or points for improvement or even disagree. It’s the way we do it and the words we use that often damage the relationship.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
You can learn to express yourself in a non-judgemental way. One way you can do this is to focus on the unacceptable behaviour rather than passing judgement or labelling another.
For example, say an employee has a pattern of arriving at work 10 – 15 minutes after start time. A label would go something like, “Boy, you’re inconsiderate. You don’t care about the rest of us. You’re always late.”
Not only is that a label, it’s a “You Statement” and we tend to get defensive when we hear them.
A better way to communicate is to describe the situation and the unacceptable behaviour, how it makes you feel and the effect on you. It’s known as a Confronting I Message, created by Thomas Gordon.
“Start time is 9:00am. It’s unacceptable to arrive after this time and I can’t focus on my work because I am concerned that something may have happened to you on the way to work. Is there a reason for the late arrival?”
If you care about the relationship, use your communication skills. That assumes you have them of course.
Next time you feel like throwing someone under the bus, think about the message before you say it. What is the outcome you really want?
For me, I think you know what you’re about to say won’t be well received, so you qualify it first.
It’s like looking for approval for being the bearer of bad news or feedback.
Here’s the thing about using the word “but”.
When you join sentences with “but”, you negate the first sentence.
“I really like your new hairstyle but I prefer you blonde.”
“I think you did a good job but you missed this section of the garden.”
If you want to join sentences, use the word “and”.
“I really like your new hairstyle and I prefer you blonde.”
“I think you did a good job and you missed this section of the garden.”
If we don’t use the word “and”, the first sentence is ignored, so you may as well not say it.
Using “but” can also be a habit. I understand that.
I am constantly correcting myself.
If I hear myself say “but”, and I am aware of it, I immediately correct myself by saying “and”.
How about you?
My encouragement this week is to stop and think about what you are about to say, before you say it.
Think of the consequences.
Hear it from the receiver’s point of view before you speak.
“I’m hopeful that you’ve understood the message this week and I would love it if you practised.”
Watch out for the “but”.
Don’t throw yourself or anyone else under the bus.
And if you happen to be on the receiving end of the “but”, politely ask the speaker to clarify the message. Is the first sentence in addition to, or instead of, what follows?
I’m sure at one time or another you’ve had THAT conversation with someone; a conversation that you’d rather not have. A conversation where you have to confront someone.
It could be at home with your personal relationships or at work or with your sporting team etc.
The truth is that most people would prefer not to have the conversation and many actively avoid it. However, if you avoid it, it only tends to get worse.
When I’m coaching my clients, many find that even when they resolve to have the conversation, they don’t know how to start it.
So this week, we’re going to talk about a concept called “Inoculation”, which I learned from Jennifer Elliot, creator of the Integrity and Values profile.
Inoculation as a concept for communication skills is the same as what most of us went through with getting vaccinated for Covid.
By being given a little of the virus, the aim is to lessen the effect for people who might get it and prevent as many as possible from getting sick.
When we have to have THAT conversation, we start by “inoculating” the other person so that they do not feel ambushed or blindsided.
We might start by saying something like, “This is really awkward for me. I feel uncomfortable having to have this conversation”.
This helps the initiator of the conversation to acknowledge how they feel so they can go on and also helps the person receiving the feedback to get ready for what’s about to come.
From there the feedback can be given, e.g. “It has come to my attention that one of our customers has not been invoiced for the past three months for work completed. Can you help me understand how this happened please?”
The next thing to do is to active listen the response.
The conversation can develop from there.
Inoculation gets you started. It sets the tone for how the conversation will go and reduces the potential for an argument.
Next time you have to have THAT conversation with someone, please inoculate them. You’ll find you’ll most likely get a better outcome as well as maintain a better relationship.
I can hardly believe it myself. Cancel Cancel that negative thought.
I am so proud to say I have not missed one week in all that time and today is no exception, so here’s your thought.
I was coaching this week with a client, we’ll call him Jack, who was explaining how he did his best to reassure one of his employees that everything would be alright. The business is undergoing some changes. The client is a Coach personality and the catch phrase of the Coach is “we’ll figure it out”.
The employee is a Counsellor type personality and that phrase does not reassure them. The Counsellor wants certainty. The Counsellor wants a plan. The Counsellor wants to know it has been figured out before taking action NOT taking action and figuring it out.
I listened to Jack and when he had finished describing the situation, I reminded him that even though his intention was pure, telling a Counsellor type personality that they’d figure it out was actually a roadblock. It stops the conversation.
It didn’t come as any surprise to me that their conversation ended up with the Counsellor walking off, leaving the situation unresolved.
Fortunately, both Jack and the employee have completed my Leading Yourself and Leading Others Experience, so I reminded Jack of the skill of active listening.
Jack’s eyes widened as he got the Aha. “Yes, of course. OMG! Right, active listening. I’m going back to work and I’m going to active listen”.
Bravo!
So we practised to refresh his skills.
A few hours later I received a text message. “Employee to Jack, ‘Are You Shirleying me here?’ Thanks. Appreciate you.”
That little text message made me so happy. It brought tears to my eyes. It’s the reason I do what I do. I want you to be able to listen to each other; to really hear and understand each other and to be able to demonstrate that to each other. I want you to be able to get what you want and to have deep meaningful relationships and conversations with each other.
My belief is that there is nothing that can’t be cleared up in conversation. It just takes you to be willing to have the conversation; to revisit the conversation and to listen; really listen to understand what’s going on for the other.
We’re all different personalities so it also helps to understand that too, both for your personality type and the other.
I’d love for you and your team to be able to recognise and appreciate when you’re being “Shirley’d”.
And to celebrate 13 years of a weekly dose of inspiration, education and support, I am giving away a spot in our next Loyal Lieutenant Masterclass Series. Retailing at $1997, it’s a 9 week online course led by me where I teach you my methodology for streamlining operations and you practise and we debrief your work so that you are getting it done during the course.
If this is of interest to you, all you need to do is reply to this email and answer the question, “What do you get out of reading the Weekly Thoughts each week?”
The winner will be announced next week.
Thank you sooooooo much for being part of my community. I am so grateful to you because without you, there would be no-one to write for.
Ever have one of those conversations where you regret not listening more?
That happened to me this week.
I was on a call with a colleague and I asked how she was.
“I’m feeling quite overwhelmed today”, she said with a sigh.
“Oh, tell me about it”, I jumped in. “Me too.”
The conversation moved on to other topics.
We hung up.
I heard this voice in my head, “Me too is a roadblock.”
O.M.G. I then spent the rest of the day belting myself up for not doing the one thing I am supposed to be good at and that I teach and that is, active listen.
Without thinking I used a roadblock.
A roadblock stops the flow of conversation.
It doesn’t help anyone.
It doesn’t help the relationship either.
According to Gordon International Training, there are 12 different types of roadblocks.
“Me too” could be classed as “Reassuring or Sympathising” which is one of the 12.
It’s important to understand that sympathising, praising, agreeing, changing topics etc. whilst we mean well, are not helpful when people are experiencing challenges and what they need is someone to listen to them.
One of the best things I learned when I did my Lifeline Telephone Counselling training was that the person with the problem is the best person to solve it because they know all the reasons why your solution won’t work.
Please use today’s thought as a reminder to listen more; to be present and give your attention to others.
Saying “Me too” is a roadblock.
P.S. Our next Loyal Lieutenant Masterclass Series starts on Thursday 1st June. Reply to this email if you’d like more information or to register your interest. It’s conducted online for 90 mins each week and is practical and experiential. At the end of the 9 weeks you’ll have created a workflow for your business, a special type of job description to make it easy to supervise and drafted well written procedures. If you, your section or business needs streamlining and improving efficiency and productivity, this is the course for you.
