Shirl Wants One (WT525)

Shirl Wants One (WT525)

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by Shirley Dalton | 17 Jun, 2022 | Blog, Leadership

WT 625 Shirl wants one

Firstly, congratulations to our lucky winners from last week, where we celebrated 12 years of thoughts and welcome to our new subscribers.

Last week I attended the Lake Macquarie Women in Business Network and gave a presentation on How Your Personality Affects How Well You Lead.

It was a lot of fun with a great group of ladies.

We went through the REACH profiles and had a giggle at some of the differences.

This week’s thought continues the theme, however I didn’t find the example I’m about to share, as funny.

Here’s what happened:

Ross has a mate whose mum has dementia and yet she is still able to sew. She makes beautiful little zippered bags for your cosmetics or coins etc. and some lovely bags to hold your pegs, which clip onto your clothesline.

Ross’ mate was visiting his mum on the long weekend.

I asked Ross if he could call his mate and ask if his mum had any more peg bags.

I overheard Ross leaving a message for his mate.

“Has your mum got any more peg bags? Shirl wants one.”

Cringe!

“Wow! That is such a Driver comment”, I said to Ross.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Straight to the point. No niceties, no rapport, no manners”, I replied.

“What’s wrong with that?” he said. “You do want one.”

“Yes. I do want one, however that’s not the way I would have asked.”

“So what would you have said”, he challenged.

“I would have shown appreciation for him and his mum. For example, hey Shane, Shirl really loves those peg bags that your mum makes. She was wondering if she has some, could you please bring one back for her.”

“There’s no need for all that”, says Ross. “You want one. I asked.”

Oh dear!  That’s an example of the difference between a Driver personality and a Coach personality.

At the end of the day, I suppose neither is right or wrong. We are just different. The important thing is to use the right “language” for the right personality.

How would you have asked? What would you have said?

P.S.  Early Bird Discount, (saving up to $1500) for our August Leading Yourself and Leading Others Experience ends on 30th June. More info here:https://shirleydalton.com/leading-yourself-leading-others-may2020/

P.P.S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

For What Purpose? (WT623)

For What Purpose? (WT623)

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by Shirley Dalton | 3 Jun, 2022 | Blog, Leadership

WT 623 For what purpose

As always, I love to hear your feedback and especially to know that you are sharing the thoughts with your friends, family and colleagues.

Last week I received a number of responses regarding saying “No”. Thanks everyone for your replies.

There is one response in particular that I want to share with you.

It comes from a long time reader and supporter, John Lizzio. Thank you John.

John shared that his colleague Catherine Cooper Norwood (RIP) used to say the three most important words in any language are “For what Purpose”.

A question to be asked constantly and then followed by a resounding “Yes” or a respectful and polite “No, thank you”.

I love this.

It’s a great question to ask, especially when you feel like you may have been ambushed into saying “Yes” when you really want to say “No”.

Another little gem I picked up along the way comes from the late Geoff Kirkwood. Geoff used to say, “Questions are the Answer”.

It took me a while to wrap my head around this until he demonstrated it beautifully one time.

We were having a meeting at a venue on the Central Coast and one of the hospitality staff came in and asked us to relocate to another room.

Geoff didn’t want to move rooms. He responded with, “Are you asking us to pack up and move into another room, when we’ve booked this one and already set up?”

Classic!

With that, the staff member reconsidered the request and we got to stay in the room.

In our leadership experience we explore the reasons why we say “Yes” when we really want to say “No”. Feeling ambushed is one of them.

I also highly recommend you read or listen to the book, “Never Split the Difference” by Christopher Voss and Tahl Raz. They share many strategies and scripts, of which repeating a statement that sounds like a question is one. For example, using the room relocation request above, we could also respond with “So you want us to pack up and move to another room?”  It’s what I call a Statement/Question.  Aussies are so good at these.  So good, that we often confuse people from other countries when we make a statement but end in a high pitch which turns it into a question.

Your challenge this week is to practise the above tips and techniques. You do want your time back, don’t you?

P.S.  Early Bird Discount, (saving up to $1500) for our August Leading Yourself and Leading Others Experience ends on 30th June, 2022. More info here:https://shirleydalton.com/leading-yourself-leading-others-may2020/

P.P.S.  Buy the Book – The Loyal Lieutenant – How The Second-in-Command Brings The CEO’s Vision To Life. Order your copy here, https://shirleydalton.com/books

P.P.P.S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

Because John Said (WT621)

Because John Said (WT621)

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by Shirley Dalton | 20 May, 2022 | Blog, Leadership

WT 621 Because John said

Twenty years ago, I shouted myself a gold signet ring with the initials R&S etched onto the face of the ring.

Overall, I was happy enough with the ring, however one thing bothered me and that was the shape.

In my mind, I had visualised the ring to be more elongated. To me, it was a bit “fat”.

Each time I would look at the ring, I would feel a bit of an “uggh”.

This week I was talking with John who owns a very successful jewellery store and I showed him my signet ring.

He asked to look at it more closely, so I took it off and gave it to him.

“When I look at the ring Shirl, it looks like a perfect signet ring to me”, he said.

“It’s got such a great energy to it and it’s exactly what a signet ring is supposed to be”, he continued.

With that advice, I immediately let go of my 20 years of disappointment.

Because John said it was right, that made it right. I could relax.

Afterwards I thought about my reaction.

How come one or two simple sentences can erase 20 years worth of angst?

It was because I trusted what John said.

He’s an expert and I know he knows what he’s talking about.

If he said it was okay, then it was okay.

Who’s your John?

Who are you a John for?

Make a list of all the people in your circle whom you trust for the right advice.

Analyse your list to see the particular areas of expertise for each one.

And if you don’t have a circle of trusted advisors, then that’s your homework for this week.

Make a list of potential advisors you’d like to have and then set about making it happen.

We all need a John. Why? Because they make us feel better and help guide us along the way.

Thank you John.                                        

P.S. The Loyal Lieutenant – How The Second-in-Command Brings The CEO’s Vision To Life. Order your copy here, https://shirleydalton.com/books

P.P.S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

There’s No Need To Point The Finger (WT615)

There’s No Need To Point The Finger (WT615)

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by Shirley Dalton | 8 Apr, 2022 | Blog, Leadership

WT 615 There is no need to point the finger

One of the profiles I use in my coaching and leadership experiences gives us a score between 1 and 10 for what we call “Impression Management”.

Impression Management is the degree to which we want others to see us in a favourable light.

It’s our lie detector.

It shows us whether you’re a people pleaser or not.

The higher the number, the more it matters to you that people like you and/or that you are concerned to do the right thing by others.

The lower the score, the less you care what others think of you and the more critical you are – critical of yourself and others.

When I first completed the profile many years ago, my Impression Management score was as low as you could score. It was one out of ten.

I didn’t know how difficult it was to be around me, criticising the work or finding fault in things people did or didn’t do, until a coach of mine blurted it out one day. “You’re just so damn hard” she said, “It’s difficult to be around when you always find fault in things”. 

Ouch and true.

From that moment of transformation I did my best to work on being less critical and more grateful for the effort and support people gave. I still have an eye for detail, however I have learned to keep my mouth shut and say “Thank you”.

For the record, I increased my score from one to three and still working on it.

Why are we talking about this? Because this past week I’ve cringed as I’ve observed others behaving like I used to.

There’s no need to point the finger.

We don’t make ourselves bigger by making someone else smaller.

Stop looking for the mistakes that others make.

We all make plenty of mistakes ourselves.

Be grateful for the contribution others are making. They’re not all as smart and efficient as you.

Rant over!

Have a great week.

P.S. The Loyal Lieutenant – How The Second-in-Command Brings The CEO’s Vision To Life. Order your copy here, https://shirleydalton.com/books

P.P.S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

If You Care About The Relationship (WT608)

If You Care About The Relationship (WT608)

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by Shirley Dalton | 18 Feb, 2022 | Blog, Leadership

WT 608 If you care about the relationship

Day 2 of our Leading Yourself and Leading Others experience.

One of the biggest concepts to appreciate when you’re learning to improve your communication skills is this:

“If you care about the relationship, use your skills. If you don’t care about the relationship, take the gloves off and have a go.”

What does that mean?

It means that we have a choice.

We are always choosing whether to use our communication skills or not.

Why would we care about the relationship?

  1. The person you’re in relationship with is important to you
  2. The relationship is important to you and worth fighting for
  3. Another relationship is important to the person that’s important to you, eg. An inlaw or friend
  4. Harmony is important to someone you care about, eg. your mum or dad or grandparents
  5. You have to work with the person
  6. It’s important to your boss and you care about your relationship with your boss.

Years ago, Ross came home from work and told me about a conversation he’d had with a colleague.

I was initially horrified to hear what Ross said to the colleague until I thought about it and processed it and then realised it was a valid point.

Having what we refer to these days as a “robust conversation”, in other words a fight, Ross told his colleague, “I have to work with you, I don’t have to like you”.  His colleague didn’t like hearing that because he wanted Ross to like him.

How about you? Is it important to you to be liked?

For me, reminding myself of the choice I have when it comes to relationships, I usually end up choosing to use my skills.

Those skills include:

  1. Active listening to what the other has to say.  It doesn’t mean you agree with what they are saying, it means you demonstrate that you heard and understood their message.
  2. Understanding if the issue is a conflict of needs or a values collision. Depending on the answer, we use different skills.
  3. Engaging my empathy and following Steven Covey, “seek first to understand before seeking to be understood”.

There are many many more skills and concepts we can choose to use and if you’re interested to know more, you’re welcome to join our Practical Leadership online membership or register for one of our Leading Yourself and Leading Others experiences.

For today though, your mission is to look at all the relationships you are in and decide if you care about the relationship and why or why not.

P.S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

P.P.S. Welcome to our newest subscribers of the Weekly Thoughts. I trust you will find them inspiring, educational and supportive. That’s the aim.

Knowledge or Wisdom (WT606)

Knowledge or Wisdom (WT606)

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by Shirley Dalton | 4 Feb, 2022 | Blog, Leadership

WT 606 Knowledge or Wisdom

This week I had a wonderful conversation with a colleague around knowledge vs wisdom.

You know my favourite quote in the world is “The great aim of education is not knowledge but action” by Herbert Spencer.

Well this week I learned a new term “propositional knowledge”. It’s a concept in psychology.

If you have propositional knowledge about a topic, you know the theory and you have an understanding of the proposition that you believe to be true.

For example, you can watch someone ride a push bike. You can see that you need to keep your balance centred, your back straight and use your legs to push the pedals to make the bike go.

This is propositional knowledge. You understand the proposition or concept of riding a bike.

It is only when you get on the bike and ride it for yourself (many times) that it becomes embodied knowledge, ie experience and eventually wisdom.

As an example, I remember when I was studying for my teaching degree, I thought I knew everything about class control and discipline strategies and techniques.  I had read the books, listened to my lecturers and completed my assignments, that was, until I actually got in front of a class and realised I didn’t know how to control the class at all.

It was only after having acted out the propositional knowledge that I was able to embody the knowledge and achieve the result of controlling the class.

Propositional knowledge is like having a theory or hypothesis and then testing the hypothesis through experimentation to see if it works.

Until you have conducted a few successful experiments and altered a number of variables, all you have is theory (propositional knowledge) not wisdom or lived experience or embodied action.

Remember, “the great aim of education is not knowledge but action”.

Are you embodying what you know or are you espousing theory?

P.S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

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