Here’s a perfect example of two different perceptions:

We were running out of time to get the painting done in the house before the carpet was to be laid and we move in.

We asked around and got a recommendation for a painter.

We engaged the painter to paint all the internal walls and ceilings for us.

As we drove up to the house one morning, I realised we also needed to get the “very high and very steep” sides of the external walls painted as well.

As it happened, the painter was just setting up outside when we arrived, so we asked him about the external walls.

“Yes, no problem”, he could do that. We would just need to organise some sort of scaffolding.

As we walked back to the front of the house, he pointed out the garage doors and said, “I’m not trying to get another job out of you but I could paint those garage doors for you, if you were thinking of replacing them.”

Indeed, replacing the garage doors was on my big list of things to fix or replace.

He repeated himself, “I’m not trying to get another job out of you. I don’t know how much it would cost to replace the doors, but it would be a few hours work and the cost of the paint. This would most likely be a lot cheaper than buying new doors. I estimate it would be about $x.”

The $x was about half of what I expected it might cost to replace the doors.

I found it curious that he kept justifying himself with “I’m not trying to get another job out of you”, when I was very appreciative of him letting me know that he could do the job and the bonus was that we wouldn’t have to replace the doors and it would cost substantially less.

It’s fascinating to me to see how we clearly communicate our limiting beliefs to others.

The painter seemed to be embarrassed about letting me know that he could do the extra work. It was as if he was apologising for offering the work that would cost me more money and yet from my point of view, I was extremely grateful to him for telling me what he could do.

Think about yourself for a moment. If someone was listening to you, would they have a different perception of what you are saying?

Are you aware enough to pick up when you verbalise a limiting belief?

That’s your mission this week. Listen to what people are saying to you. Listen to yourself. See if you notice any limiting beliefs.

You might just find that your customers appreciate you letting them know what you can do for them.

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About 16 or 17 years ago I read Jack Canfield’s book, “The Success Principles: How To Get From Where You Are Now To Where You Want To Be”.

Every morning I would read a chapter before going to work. In the book, Jack gave many examples of activities the participants experienced in his week long course, “Breakthrough to Success”.

As I read about the activities, I wanted to experience them for myself, which we did in 2007 when we headed to Scottsdale, Arizona to join 400 other attendees.

At first I thought Jack was a bit silly sharing his activities in the book, until one of my mentors enlightened me with the analogy of music. 

“Shirl, when you buy a record (it was a while ago), do you think to yourself that there’s no point going to the concert because you’ve heard all the songs?”

“Of course not! I want to go even more to see the band or singer live.”

“Exactly!”

So, <name>, I’m happy to share an exercise we did in the Leading Yourself and Leading Others Experience today.

 It’s called “Blah blah blah” and Ross and I first came across this at Jack Canfield’s course when he introduced us to Hale Dwoskin who introduced us to The Sedona Method.

The exercise I created also features the work of Loretta Malandro, from her book, “Fearless Leadership”.

Participants have to share a story about a time when they felt they were the victim in a situation. They tell their partner their story, embellishing and fully embracing being the victim. At the end, the partner is asked how they felt listening to the story. Did they recoil or did they find themselves becoming co-conspirators, feeling sorry for the victim?

The next part of the exercise is to retell the story, only this time, to simply recite facts without judgement or blame or emotion. They are also to own their part in the situation.

At the end of the 2^nd telling of the story, partners provide feedback on which version they preferred. In all cases, it ends up being the second version.

So we follow up with a third version and this time, participants must again tell their victim story with all the passion they had in the first version, except that they can only use the word “Blah”.

Go ahead, tell someone your victim story with all the passion and energy you have using the word “Blah”.  If you’re like our participants, it won’t be long before you’re rolling about laughing.

It’s really difficult to be emotional and upset while you’re laughing so hard.

The irony is that this version is what most people hear anyway. Most people aren’t that interested in hearing the victim story. “Blah blah blah blah blah.”

Next time you find yourself feeling like a victim, remember this activity and if you do share with someone, be sure to follow version 2. Stick to the facts and own your part in it. You’ll get a much better response from your listener.

P.S. HOT OFF THE PRESS. From 30^th September 2022 for 9 weeks, I’ll be leading an online masterclass series to guide participants through the steps I use to help businesses systemise and streamline their processes.  Each week we’ll cover a chapter in my book The Loyal Lieutenant: How the Second-in-Command Brings the CEO’s Vision to Life to help you implement my proprietary system and get your processes and procedures DONE. Go to shirleydaltoncourse.com for more information.

P.P.S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

In today’s Leading Yourself and Leading Others Experience I ended up doing an impromptu Aikido demonstration with one of the participants.

Aikido is a martial art and one of its principles is to dance with the energy of your opponent.

How is this relevant to leadership?

As I explained in the session, when we are confronted by an angry team member or customer, often our first reaction is to push back and resist. This doesn’t help to resolve the situation. Rather it either keeps us stuck resisting each other or inflames the situation.

With the principle of Aikido, you actually welcome the energy of your opponent and you dance with it. This means you take their force and you control it.

The same thing is possible when confronted by an angry or passionate person. Figuratively speaking, you want to welcome the energy and dance with it.

You do this by using your Active Listening skills.

Rather than defending or justifying yourself, or worse, arguing and resisting, if you listen to what the other is saying, and I mean Active Listen them, as in demonstrate you heard and understood, you actually reduce the energy they are thrusting at you.

When you have embraced their energy and what they are saying, you are in a much better position to be able to assert yourself and be heard.

For example, say a customer is screaming at you because their favourite cereal is not available. Rather than defending yourself or the company, manufacturer or courier company, active listen to what they are saying and if they demand that you take a certain course of action, simply respond with “Yes, we can do that AND ………”. The “AND” enables you to offer an alternative solution without causing them to increase their intensity and conviction.

You don’t need to argue. You can simply active listen, agree that what they are suggesting is something that “could be done” and then when you have helped them to calm down and be more responsive to your suggestions, you can assert yourself and work towards collaborating to find a mutually agreeable solution.

I encourage you to test it out.

Dance with their energy rather than fight with or resist it.

P.S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts