How often do you give feedback to someone about something you’re not happy with and end up in a big argument?

Until I learned some amazingly simple communication skills, that’s what used to happen to me.

Not backward in coming forward, I often expressed how I felt.

Nothing wrong with that and in fact, we encourage you to share how you’re feeling and what’s going on.

What was wrong with it was the way I expressed it; the language I used and we’re not necessarily talking about swearing.

“Why didn’t you put the butter back in the fridge?”

“You did a terrible job of typing that document.”

“Great job! Woohoo, well done, NOT.”

You can imagine that being on the end of remarks like this wouldn’t make you feel good.

In fact, you’d probably feel resentful and possibly even look for an opportunity to take revenge in some form or other.

If you choose your words carefully when giving negative feedback, your message will “land” better for the other person.

They will be more likely to hear what you have to say and make any changes.

For example, “I didn’t see the homework in my inbox” versus “You haven’t submitted your homework”.

“I’d really appreciate it if you could put the butter back in the fridge when you’ve finished with it please.”

“I have a number of comments and changes to make to the document please.”

“I think we can improve on how we do this. Let’s work together to streamline the process and make it more accurate.”

Did you notice that all four examples above started with “I”?

We call these I-Messages or I-Statements.

With I-Messages we take responsibility for the message. We are sharing how it is for us so others cannot argue that what we’re saying isn’t right. They might not like hearing the feedback, however they can’t dispute that’s what you think or how you feel.

In our Leading Yourself and Leading Others Experience we spend a couple of days learning how to communicate better; learning how to word things so the feedback lands better for the recipient.

There’s a saying that “People react to the manner rather than the message” reminding us not to yell and scream and be overly dramatic, however people do also react to the words you use.

Next time you have some negative feedback to give someone, think about how your words will land.

Have a go at using an I-Message and describing the situation without looking to blame or make up a story about what you think happened and why.

And on “why”. Don’t use that word if you want to gain more information from someone.

For many, the word “why” feels like a judgement or an interrogation.

“Why didn’t you leave earlier than that?”

The implied meaning is that “I should have left earlier. I am wrong. I am bad. I am in trouble.”

This language can cause us to become defensive and hostile.

Even if you are annoyed that you have been kept waiting, you can assert yourself using language that will be more easily received, e.g. “I was expecting you to leave at 9:00am to arrive at my place at 9:30am this morning. I’m curious as to what happened causing the delay.” 

Give it a go. Change your language and see how it lands.

The last thing you want is a crash landing.

Let me know how you go.

P.S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

P.P.S. Claim the date. Our next Loyal Lieutenant Masterclass Series starts Thursday 30^th March 9:30am Sydney time for 9 weeks. Hands on training, creating and streamlining systems and processes for your team and organisation.

Last week I mentioned that I would share a funny little story about our assessment for the final session of our 9 week online masterclass series – The Loyal Lieutenant.

The final assessment was a practical session where participants had to write a procedure during the class and submit the procedure so Ross could test the procedure.

Participants didn’t know what the procedure was until they arrived on zoom.

“The procedure you have to write is ‘How to Spread Lemon Butter on Jatz Biscuits’ for Ross’ morning tea.”

“What? That’s it?” asked one of the engineering students. “How to put lemon butter on a Jatz?”

“Yes, that’s correct. Off you go.”

I waited and watched as participants wrote out their procedures.

One by one they submitted them and I printed them for Ross.

If you know Ross, you know he has a sense of humour and can be a bit cheeky.

He followed the procedures exactly as written.

If the procedure instructed to place the lemon butter on the Jatz, he would simply place the bottle of lemon button on a Jatz biscuit.

It might seem like a simple exercise, however one of the procedures included 34 steps.

It was so funny to watch Ross as he placed a “scrape” of lemon butter on the Jatz.  How big is a scrape?

When you are writing procedures you have to be precise. You can’t assume that the reader knows anything. You have to include every detail and it’s best to start with a verb because people want to know what they have to do.

Overall it was a fabulous exercise. All of the participants did extremely well. Their procedures were detailed and provided instructions for exactly what to do.

One slight detail that was only captured by one participant though, was the final step – Eat and Enjoy.

Remembering that the procedure was to prepare the biscuits for morning tea for Ross, he actually needed the instruction to eat.  It’s a bit like the game Simon Says – “Simon says, Put your hand on your head” and we all follow the instruction, but if the instruction is given without saying “Simon says” and you follow the instruction, well you’re out of the game.

How would you go? Do you think Ross could follow your procedure? Do you think you’d be able to write it in about 10 minutes?

If not, perhaps you need to enrol yourself or your Loyal Lieutenant in our next Loyal Lieutenant Masterclass Series. Nine x 90 minute sessions of practical applications to streamline your operations, step into a leadership role, learn how to write procedures so you can delegate to others and generally have some fun along the way. Click on the link for more information.

Regards Shirley

P.S. Registration is open for the next Loyal Lieutenant Masterclass Series. A 9 week hands on training to streamline your operations, learn how to write procedures the right way and get clear on your roles plus much much more. Click on the link for more information. https://shirleydaltoncourse.com/offer

P.P.S. The Loyal Lieutenant book is now available on Amazon. Click on the link or the QR code below. bit.ly/TLLebook