They Should … (WT766)

They Should … (WT766)

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by Shirley Dalton | 28 Feb, 2025 | Blog, Communication Skills

WT 766 They should

This week I was teaching the concept of Values Collisions, from Thomas Gordon’s Leader Effectiveness Training.

I thought I’d share it with you too.

A values collision is a conflict in which the values of two parties clash, but there is no tangible effect.

There are many many opportunities for Values Collisions in the workplace and at home.

For example, say you vape and I don’t.

Unless I’m in the room with you, you vaping doesn’t affect me.

When it comes to values, we won’t generally change our values just because someone says we should.

For example, if I was to say, “Vaping is really harmful to your body and you should stop”, it would most likely be met with resistance.

So how do we identify Values Collisions and more importantly what can we do to resolve them?

It’s easy to identify them.

If you hear yourself say, “They Should” or “They shouldn’t”, it’s an indication of a judgement and if it is a judgement, first look to see if there really is a tangible effect on you, if not, it’s a Values Collision.

In order to deal with the Values Collision, you can choose from 9 options, however they all come with varying degrees of risk to the relationship.

Here are the 9, from highest risk to lowest risk:

  1. Power (using your power to make the other person change)
  2. False Acceptance (pretending you accept their value)
  3. Problem Solving the behaviour associated with the value (e.g. not vaping when I am around)
  4. Consulting (sharing information and leaving the decision to change with the other)
  5. Disclosing and listening (truly listening for understanding of the other’s value)
  6. Preventative Teaching (explaining policies at induction)
  7. Modelling (walking your talk)
  8. Changing Self (to align with the other’s value)
  9. True Acceptance (of the other’s value)

Your choice of option may depend on the value, the other person or the situation.

Remember, if you find yourself judging, it’s a good litmus test for a potential Values Collision.

If so, ask yourself:

  1. What is my value?
  2. Where did it come from?
  3. Why do I want to keep it?

And if all else fails, revert to the Serenity poem.

P.S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thought delivered directly to their inbox.

Go to https://shirleydalton.com/Weekly-Thoughts.

What’s The Right Thing To Do (WT614)

What’s The Right Thing To Do (WT614)

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by Shirley Dalton | 1 Apr, 2022 | Blog, Mindset

WT 614 What's the right thing to do

I was sitting at my desk, which is opposite the window in my office.

I noticed a young boy and a dog walk past.

Thankfully the dog didn’t stop to you know what.

Next thing I heard the lid on the neighbour’s garbage being opened and shut really quickly.

That’s odd, I thought.  The neighbour was at work. It was about 4:00pm. I didn’t give it any more thought until Ross happened to mention the garbage lid.

Ross was outside when the young boy and dog walked past.

He watched the young boy lift the lid on the neighbour’s bin (which usually sits outside on the nature strip in front of his house).

The young boy had a small plastic bag in his hand which he threw in the neighbour’s bin.

Yep. It was the dog pooh.

“Uggh!  Wow!” I exclaimed to Ross.  “That’s not very nice.”

“He does it all the time”, said Ross.

“Oh, that’s a bit ordinary. I wouldn’t like it in my bin.”

“Well, he’s sort of doing the right thing” argued Ross. “At least he picks it up.”

Oh boy. This conversation wasn’t going anywhere I wanted it to go.

Still Ross had a point.

What’s the right thing to do?

Pick up the pooh, even if you dump it in someone else’s bin or not pick up the pooh?

Or pick up the pooh and take it home with you or throw it in a public garbage bin?

I know one thing for sure, I certainly won’t be leaving my bin out the front any longer than it needs to be.

Over to you, what’s the right thing to do?

Another of those values collisions?

What’s that you ask?

A values collision occurs when we have a difference of opinion and yet there is no tangible effect on me for you having a different opinion or value.

Values collisions require different skills to resolve.

And I’m curious. What would you do if you were the young boy with the dog?

P.S. I’m so chuffed. People are reading my book and the feedback has been awesome. “A pocket full of goodness” said one reader. That makes me so happy that a. it’s being read and b. readers are getting great value from it (Win Win).  Order your copy here, https://shirleydalton.com/books

P.P.S Dates for our next Leading Yourself and Leading Others experience have been set for May in Newcastle, NSW.   Tuesday 3rd May, Thursdays 12th, 19th and 26th May.  For more information go to https://shirleydalton.com/leading-yourself-leading-others-may2020/

P.P.P.S. Invite your friends to get the Weekly Thoughts delivered directly to their inbox. Go to https://shirleydalton.com/weekly-thoughts.

Look at Me Look at Me (WT518)

Look at Me Look at Me (WT518)

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by Shirley Dalton | 29 May, 2020 | Blog, Mindset

WT518 Look at Me Look at Me

Most days Ross and I enjoy a walk together, usually in the morning or middle of the day. Today was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and although the temperature was only 13 degrees Celsius, we felt warm with the heat of the sun. 

We came upon a bridge over the Lachlan River in New Norfolk, Tasmania. The bridge was just wide enough for two people to walk side by side. As we neared the bridge we saw a young man walking towards us. He was a large man. In fact, he took up most of the width of the bridge, leaving no room to pass. 

We waited politely for him to cross. Both Ross and I looked up and smiled at him. He stared at the sky to avoid eye contact as he walked past us.  

I find this sort of behavior both intriguing and annoying. I say annoying because I was brought up to “Be Sociable”; to always acknowledge people and smile and say “Hello”. For someone to walk past me without acknowledging me goes against my value set. I also find it intriguing for the same reason. Obviously, people have a different set of values and of course, they are entitled to do whatever they want. There is no law that says you must look at me and smile when you walk past me. 

So why am I sharing this story with you? It’s an opportunity to talk about Values and Values Collisions. A Values Collision occurs when we perceive someone’s behavior as unacceptable to us, yet there is no tangible concrete effect on us as a result of the behavior. Here’s another example: Let’s say you smoke cigarettes and I don’t. It’s your right to choose to smoke. I can’t force you to stop simply because I don’t like it and unless we are near each other, there is no tangible concrete effect on me. 

The next logical question then, is “How do you resolve a Values Collision”? 

Using the above smoking example, I’ll show you a couple of options: 

  1. I can change my value to be the same as yours. I might start smoking. 
  1. I can ask you to not smoke around me, whilst still respecting your decision to smoke. We call that “influencing the other’s behavior”. 
  1. I can attempt to influence your value by “modelling” the values I’d like you to adopt (ie not smoking) or “consulting” to you. I can provide you with information to see if that might influence you to change your value. 
  1. Finally, if we are not able to satisfactorily resolve our values differences, then we might need to alter the relationship. 

Values Collisions occur all the time. They are part of life. They occur in the family, in the workplace, almost anywhere you have people. We are not wrong because we have a different set of values.  

Following on from today’s message, what Values are important to you and how will you choose to resolve any Values Collisions?

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